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When I started to study the history of dating, I found something surprising. The problems people faced long ago look a lot like the problems we face today. Even though how people find love has changed over time, their hopes and worries have stayed the same. People in the past worried about money just as we do now. They also struggled to convince their parents that their partner was a good choice. These shared concerns are the background for a long and complex history of romance.
In the Georgian era, advice was simple. Physical looks were important, but caring too much about them could ruin long-term happiness. Throughout history, looking your best has been better than focusing on your flaws. In the Victorian era, women wore dresses cut high up on the chest. They often wore pearl necklaces over their bare skin. Some men in the Edwardian era even wore corsets. They liked the tight fit to get a specific shape. This focus on how we look shows that presentation has always been part of finding love.
When the mini skirt was invented in the early 1960s, it changed fashion quickly. It caused some unexpected reactions. Some men even tried to wear the style, but it did not become popular for them. However, long hair, flowers, makeup, and jewelry eventually became accepted for men. This shows that male grooming is not new. It is a repeating practice that has changed along with fashion trends.
Once a person was dressed well, the next challenge was to get attention. The Georgians used "lonely hearts" ads in newspapers to find partners. Later, the Victorians used marriage bureaus. These bureaus matched middle-class people using photos and descriptions of their hobbies. In the 1930s, gay men and women found a subtle way to show their sexuality. They used fan columns in movie magazines. They talked about stars in secret codes to hint at who they were without breaking social rules.
In person, the best way to attract someone has always been dancing. From square dancing in the Regency era to secret drag balls in the Victorian age, dance has worked for those who try. There were the "turkey trot" in the 1910s and raves in the 1990s. The playwright Steven Berkoff wrote about dance halls, saying, "You were the dandy, the mover and performer in your own drama." If you could not dance, witty talk and good manners were a good substitute.
Meeting a woman on the street in Victorian England was difficult. Strict rules existed. Etiquette books said a man should never offer an umbrella to a woman. It stated, "No lady would accept the offer from a stranger." Middle-class Victorians used a complicated system of exchanging calling cards. They made formal visits to homes. However, even if a man got to see the woman, they were never alone. Chaperones were common until the First World War.
The war changed everything. Many young men left, so women socialized on their own. This changed the social world forever. After the war, old etiquette books were replaced by magazine advice pages. By the 1930s, books about sex were easy to buy. We might think couples met simply in the early 20th century. But we have always wanted glamour. From gossip columns in the 1920s to the movie boom in the 1930s, the desire to marry the richest and most beautiful has always been a problem.
Perhaps the biggest surprise in this history is that sex before marriage was often normal. Apart from a short time when people practiced "bundling" in response to an 1834 law, ancestors always found a way to "try the goods before you buy them," as one grandmother joked. Washable condoms were used from the mid-19th century. In 1877, a campaigner named Annie Besant was tried for publishing a pamphlet about birth control.
When Marie Stopes published Married Love in 1918, it was read by single girls and married women. She talked about physical pleasure in marriage. She wrote, "I paid such a terrible price for sex-ignorance." She wanted people to be educated. In the 1930s, a writer named Marjorie Hillis said women should stay away from affairs until age 30. She knew many single women invited men home at night. She said society was changing. She noted, "A woman's honour… is now her own affair."
In the 1960s, "the pill" did not cause an instant revolution. At first, doctors only gave it to married women. Even in the 1970s, doctors could refuse it for moral reasons. Once women could get the pill, some men stopped taking responsibility for birth control. The change in behavior was slow, not fast.
Long before apps like Tinder, travel technology helped people find love. When steam trains became common in the mid-19th century, trains reached many people. Women sat in dim carriages with men. This allowed conversation with people they might never see again. This new travel created chances for short romances.
The bicycle also helped romance. The two-wheeler required women to lift their leg over the frame. It was the first transport women could use without men. Etiquette guides said people could now make "surprise visits… by moonlight." Seaside flirting could be improved with bike rides. Some feared the excitement of biking, but an 1897 book told men to "help ladies as much as possible by pushing their machines up the hills for them."
People traveled far to find a mate. In the 1930s, middle-class women who could not find husbands sometimes traveled to colonial India. They were called "the fishing fleet." They traveled by boat. They often paired up before the ship docked or used the trip to find partners. Local churches encouraged this because they disliked "loose" women and wanted them married.
There is a story of a 36-year-old woman named Kitty Irwin. She stayed with a married friend in Karachi. In six months, she met an exporter named Sam Raschen who loved her. When she tried to book her trip home, he asked her to delay and marry him instead. This shows the lengths people go for love.
In the 1950s, package holidays made "holiday flings" possible. The 1970s saw holidays for people aged 18 to 30. They had a bad reputation. A reporter described a chaotic scene with too much sangria and casual sex. The film Shirley Valentine inspired many women to do the same. Men also sought mail-order brides. Today, organizations connect singles in many cities. With digital messages and virtual reality, long-distance dating is easier than ever.
It is also easier to date based on gender or interests. This is because laws changed to help LGBTQI people. It is also due to how we see gender and relationships now. However, the dating industry also tries to reach more people as users get tired of apps.
Finding a good alternative to apps is hard. In-person events in bookshops do not have the same reach. Young people often use Snapchat and TikTok to connect. Artificial Intelligence (AI) will change dating like it changes other things. Your AI might talk to another AI to make a list of partners. AI can also search the internet for information about people from their social media. This technology offers a new way to filter partners.
However, history shows that treating dating like a business deal does not work well. It cannot fill the wild needs of the heart. Even though marriage rates are low, dating as a path to self-fulfillment may have a bright future. The tools we use will keep changing. But the human desire for connection remains the same.